I think I’ve been bullied. It’s an unfamiliar feeling and it took me a while to recognise it. The context was a conversation. I felt that if I were to say anything that did not accord with what the other person wanted to hear there would be trouble. Not that we would simply be in a disagreement but that they would want to punish me for disagreeing. It was this second part, the threat of punishment, that was where the bullying lay.
This got me thinking about this new thing of not triggering each other. That if we trigger someone else, even unintentionally, it is our fault and those that have been triggered want you to be punished for doing it. Was this what was going on in the conversation where I felt bullied?
So what is triggering and how do we understand it? Well clearly being ‘triggered’ means an event where our senses or our own imagination has caused our amygdala to be activated, causing a fight, flight or freeze reaction. So we may feel disturbed, distressed, even endangered and we want that feeling to go away. I guess when we are activated by what someone else says, and we want to punish them for it, then it is the fight reaction that is happening. From a Buddhist perspective this is all very definitely first arrow territory. There is no way - nor should there be - that we can entirely close down this essential part of our brain. It will always happen. However how we are with this experience, the second arrow, is where there is a choice. Do we try to stop it happening by controlling everyone around us or do we take responsibility for our own emotions and act accordingly. (Hint: plan B!).
There is a great story about just this - I’m not sure whether it's Greek or Indian originally. A king demanded that his ministers cover his kingdom in leather so he wouldn’t get a thorn in his foot. This of course was impossible and they felt very anxious until they came up with the obvious answer - a pair of shoes. But I guess we could go a step further (sorry about the pun) and ask why would the king not choose to put them on? Why if we are capable of taking responsibility for our own emotions, particularly given that doing so brings so much more freedom, so much more ease of mind, why would we prefer to continue to be the aggressive victim? Why would we choose to be a Putin, Trump, Netanyahu or any other affronted bully? And I’m not sure I really know the answer to this. But I do know that while it does not excuse the bully their actions, what I do with my experience of being bullied is up to me. Take back the power.
NW. 8 October 2024
Very interesting explanation of bullying. I had never thought of those interactions in terms of bullying. Now I can see more clearly that I have been the victim of bullying in this way by many men, including husband and son. I learned to take refuge within self and move away. My response was to cry now I don’t engage and not relate to bullies.I don't see any point in engaging in this type of conversations.
If I am triggered I take full responsibility for my response and use it to look deeper into the original imprint. Then drop the story and stay with the feeling.
From this point of view, bullies are quite useful for liberating the subconscious from these…
We need not to fear the bully in fact . The bully is the one suffering , very often from insecurity and wanting to take control through manipulations etc . They may have the power , for they may be your boss or family member . We do not want to make it worse , and they may block us from being heard . Part of the bullying act ! Their reality is so far from our own that one wonders what is the kindest way to respond ? Detach within self . Perhaps ..